Each heart knows its own bitterness, 

and no one else can share its joy.

~Proverbs 14:10

Right now, I am meditating on the truth of one of the Proverbs. "Each heart knows its own bitterness, and no one else can share its joy." And it hurts, because I have an intense craving for fellowship right now. To just crawl all the way inside of someone's heart, and them in mind. To just mesh our hearts together so they are one. Maybe oneness is what I am craving.

I feel like I'm walking through a neighborhood, looking inside the windows of people's houses. And I see beautiful things, and painful things, and dark things, and secret things, and joyful things, and wise things, and amazing things. But I only peek at them through the windows, and I long to go inside and reside there.

And my own heart is like a house where I'm all alone, and I want someone to see it, to walk by and not keep going but to stop, and come inside, and get comfortable.

And in my foolish, foolishness this feeling makes me feel ugly. The disconnect reminds me that I am unworthy, and I think if I were truly beautiful, inside and out, it would be different. I'm not all I'm meant to be. But foolish person I am, I start to blame it on looks. Maybe I do that because beauty, whether the beauty of a newly blossomed rose, of a burning sunset, of willow branches blowing in a whisper of a breeze, of foaming, giggling bubbles in the ocean waves, of a babies' laughter, or of a woman's appearance, is a reminder of Once Upon A Time. Once upon a time everything was good, and perfect, and beautiful, and right, and intimate. God knew man, man knew each other, and man knew God. And foolishly, I think that if I were beautiful, things would feel more right somehow. I know that's not true, that the ache in my heart wouldn't go away if I were beautiful. But beauty reminds me. All kinds of beauty remind me. It is the refrain of a song I heard long ago and now I've forgotten the words, but if I keep humming that refrain maybe I'll remember.

But I'm wrong. Because beauty doesn't bring intimacy. It isn't the missing puzzle piece. But it's still missing, so I think if I just had it, I'd be that much closer to putting the whole thing together. But it isn't so.

We are all prisoners trapped inside our own hearts.

I want to write "the end" now, and sign off. Here my emotions stop, with this sad sentiment. But something just won't let me stop writing this.

But I'm so frustrated, because probably ten minutes have passed (at least seven, according to the computer clock), and the words just won't come. Something's trying to come out but it isn't there yet.

All I can say is, right now I'm thinking about a man who wandered alone through a wilderness. And cried tears of blood while his dearest friends slept. Someone who wept over the heartache of his friends when they thought they'd lost someone they loved. Someone who loves me enough to sing over me.

The most terrible thing is that such a precious treasure is given to me, and I scorn it, as though it were not enough. And don't even stop long enough most days to discover how wrong I am, that it is WAY too enough.

It's such an odd thing, to know this, and yet not to know. To remember with my mind that there is something incredible, Someone incredible, and yet to... run away? What? I don't understand this. In fact, it's ridiculous. And horrifying. And... I think I need to have a date with a Certain Someone right about now... so why does tearing myself away from the computer to go to the trysting place with my Lover feel about as hard as yanking myself from a good book to go scrub a mountain of dishes? But I know, I KNOW I will find there not a mountain of dishes, but a bouquet of roses.

God is breathtaking. He is stunning. Indescribable. Uncontainable.

He breathed the stars into the sky. There are so many...

Last night I was in town and a friend commented on how many stars were out, and yet they were so few to me. And in Minnesota there were even less. But here, in the foothills in the desert... they are endless. You can see the milky way like a filmy scarf blowing across a field of diamonds.

I don't think anyone could stare at those stars, really stare at them, and not feel the longing straining their hearts for something. For Someone.

There are hints of feelings in things... in books, in movies, in sunsets, in snowcapped mountains, in new born babies... these are just hints at something more, tugging at our hearts to look up and find something more. An amazing, beautiful God who made all these things, and who has so much more.

I am learning that I can be satisfied in Him. No earthly romance, no mountain scaled, no wild adventure, no 4th of July fireworks can ever satisify like Him. When I crave things, it would be so helpful if I could only see that He is the Adventure to end all adventures, the Romance to knock out all romances. He is what I crave. I can guarantee I'm going to forget that. Many times over. But I can also guarantee that He will remind me again, because He loves me, and I will have all eternity to bask in His presence.

In the middle of a heated discussion about stirrup pants on facebook, Kelcey's dad shared this link. I don't get it. It doesn't look like anybody's wearing stirrup pants to me. But I really like this music video, how it jumps in and out of the real world and a comic book. It's just nifty.